


Expressions

by StarTravel



Series: Defiance Through Tenderness [25]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Arguably Some Projection, Introspection, Jadzia Is a Saint, Miscommunication, Relationship Advice, Self-Esteem Issues, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 12:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17407109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Julian expertly avoids thinking about his feelings for Garak or Garak's likely lack of feelings for him, burying himself in numbers as easily as Garak buries himself in words. Then Jadzia, being a good friend, makes him talk about it all.





	Expressions

 Julian spends the first two days after he rejects whatever Garak’s offering burying himself in work, running experiments and numbers so extreme that even the nursing staff starts to worry. Julian politely ignores suggestions he take a break or have lunch in the replimat instead of his office. Codes and diagnostics are safe. He can understand them and change them, turn them into whatever he needs or wants them to be.

 Julian can’t make himself into the various fairy tale figures Garak wants him to be and he can’t make Garak (or anyone else) love who he is now.

 Julian pushes those thoughts and images of grey scales and electric blue eyes to the side, turning back into the machine Garak once accused him of being. He succeeds until Jadzia comes into his office and asks why he’s been moping - which he _hasn’t,_ people don’t accomplish things when they’re moping - as much as Garak has.

 Julian blurts out the entire story before he can stop himself, from when Garak let him take care of him the night Ziyal died, to how Garak completely rejected him for weeks the next day, only to try and move into his quarters for no apparent reason. His voice rises on each word, hands flailing, and it’s not until all his words have spilled out that he realizes he’s confided in the wrong friend.

 Miles would clasp his shoulder and agree that Garak’s been awful. Jadzia’s going to want to talk about his feelings.

 As though to confirm his fears, Jadzia leans forward, pressing her elbows against the edge of his desk so she can rest her head in her hands. Her gaze is sharp and inquisitive, mouth pressed into a tight frown. Julian pointedly turns his gaze back to his padd and the current working formula for Ketracel White. Jadzia lets out a low exhale, her right hand suddenly coming out to press over his padd. “I’m your friend. Talk to me.”

 “There’s nothing to talk about, he dumped me and then tried to move back in without asking.” Julian’s voice comes out a touch more defensive than he intended, words biting and quick in a way that hangs in the air between them. Julian swallows a little and presses his right hand flat against the cool surface of his desk.

 “You know that’s actually a way of showing commitment in Cardassian culture. It’s considered rude to ask because it means you don’t think the other person is as serious as you are.” Jadzia’s tone manages to be careful and warm at the same time, her gaze almost painfully sympathetic.

 Julian knows that look far too well from all the times he’s missed some obvious social cue, the people who like him - or at least pity him -give when they try to nudge him in the right direction. Julian has to swallow down the defensiveness turning acidic in his throat. Jadzia is too kind for that type of pity and Cardassians love their secrets. Julian only knows that from reading between the lines in cardassian love poems, not from Garak.

 “I’m well aware, why do you think I didn’t throw him out immediately?” Julian laughs, dry and rough and just a touch bitter. He tilts his head to the right, gaze pained as he meets Jadzia’s over his padd, practically begging her to change the subject. Julian doesn’t need to live through his mistakes yet another time.

 Jadzia misses his meaning - or more likely, ignores it - as she leans across his desk, gaze alight with curiosity. Julian bites his lips as he drops his gaze back to his padd. “Then why did you?”

 That’s not the question Julian expected and he glances up at her with a raised eyebrow. Jadzia has her hands pressed under her chin again, smiling playfully even as her gaze takes on a more serious edge. Julian rolls the question around in his head, lets the words settle there as they start to curdle. Julian doesn’t enjoy conversations and ideas he can’t quite follow, rare as they were, and somehow he finds himself trapped in one. His voice comes out incredulous and short. “What?”

 “Throw him out.” Jadzia reaches her hand out to brush along his shoulder for a second, grin growing warmer and more fraternal, gaze soft and questioning. Julian blinks owlishly, opening and closing his mouth a few times as a million answers that are far too close to the truth flicker across his mind. _Why_ indeed.

 “He dumped me three weeks ago without so much as a conversation.” Julian’s voice is dry as he raises an eyebrow, finally letting his his padd fall to the side so he can press his hand under his chin. He gives his most mocking-thoughtful look, eyes wide and lips pursed, because yes, why would he not let Garak move in to play house until he went to Cardassia and found someone he could _actually_ love? Why not?

 Jadzia tilts her head to the left, nodding in a way that’s almost imperceptible. For a moment neither of them say anything and Julian thinks maybe that will be the end of this, that he can go back to the safety of numbers and diseases. Then Jadzia lets out a low exhale, gaze soft and understanding, though there’s a hint of protectiveness there he’s not sure if he likes or not. Julian is not, hobbies aside, actually a child. But it feels close enough to caring to be something of a comfort. “You don’t trust him?”

 “No, I do.” Julian’s words come out firmly, gaze steady as he glances up at Jadzia. There was a time not so long ago, when he saw Garak’s blood dripping down the side of his neck, when the answer would have been no. Julian hadn’t trusted either of them after that. But he’s older now, a bit wiser in his own way. He can make some sense of Garak’s actions that day, even if he doesn’t agree with them. Julian thinks that he can do that with almost everything Garak’s done since he met him, never agreeing but always understanding and that scares him a little too.

 Jadzia catches the fear in his gaze, expression flattening as the hand on his shoulder grows a bit steadier. Her tone is careful and controlled in a way that makes Julian think she might have made a very good therapist in another life. “Really?”

 “I know who Garak is and I know what he’s done, Jadzia.” Julian answers her plainly, a surprising confidence filling his voice as he meets her gaze steadily. There might have been a time, early on or right after Garak tried to commit genocide, when he hadn’t trusted him, when he’d almost feared Garak rather than himself. But that’s because Julian hadn’t known himself then, didn’t have the skills or understanding to see who his friend is and where his heart lies. Now Julian does - at least when it comes to Garak - and he has no doubts about who Garak is or what he values.

 Jadzia simply watches him for a moment, brow furrowing for a seconds as she watches the minute changes of Julian’s expressions. He has no idea what she expects to find there, but she must see it, because her expression loses the veil of concern that came over it a few minutes ago. She pulls her hand back and presses it under her chin again, raising one eyebrow slightly. “Then why?”

 “We’re too different.” Julian mutters in a low voice as he turns his gaze away from Jadzia and back down to his padd. It’s the truth, just simplified and with all the beauty and panache Garak’s so fond of ripped out. It’s why none of Julian’s relationships have ever worked out, why most of his current friendships will probably wither and die one by one when the war ends. He’s too different. He’s not warm and bright like Jadzia, with her easy confidence and understanding of everyone around her or gruffly caring and hard-working like Miles, supportive and welcoming even when he pretends not to be.

 And Julian’s certainly no Garak, with his sentimental heart he denies so vigorously and his natural brilliance that illuminates his every action and word. Garak is uniquely devoted and protective of the things he cares about, rather that be Cardassia or his stories or parents who don’t deserve him. He’s brave and steadfast in his exile, never losing sight of his goals and the things he cares about, maintaining a sense of self and beauty despite his suffering. And Garak is curious and thoughtful, learning and gathering new knowledge even as he stands by his own values. Garak is a man of beautiful and painful complexities, original and traditional, romantic and wise all at once.

 And Julian. Julian’s annoying, sanctimonious, smug. He talks too much and misses social cues and has the wrong ideals, the wrong wants. Everything people like about Julian is someone else’s handiwork, the careful genius of another doctor. His brilliance and curiosity, the quick thinking that makes him fascinating to Garak, none of it is _really_ him. Julian tells Jadzia none of this though. He thinks 'different' sums it up well enough.

 “I don’t know, you both seem pretty good at making yourselves miserable.” Jadzia points out with a wry grin, raising an eyebrow as she glances at him pointedly. Julian snorts before he can stop himself, shaking his head as the laughter is pulled from his throat inch by inch. Leave it to Jadzia to find a joke and a truth all at once. It must be that 300 years of wisdom.

 “Thank you, Jadzia.” Julian’s voice is clipped and lightly amused as he makes a few rapid calculations on his padd. No reason to let some momentary self-loathing get in the way of saving the Alpha Quadrant.

 Jadzia lets out a breath as she leans over to grab his shoulder again, giving him a soft squeeze until he looks up from his padd. Julian lets out an irritated sigh, because he really thought this conversation might be over. Julian’s tempted to tell Jadzia to let it go, but he can’t quite bring himself too. “Talk to me.”

 Julian lets out a low exhale and closes his eyes for a few seconds. He pinches the edge of his nose to try and ward off the headache he can feel building along his temples. Julian opens his eyes when the dull sensation starts to subside, a resigned despair tingeing his words now instead of the sharpness from before. It’s easier to be annoyed when he’s just judging himself and finding himself wanting. He has plenty of experience with that from his parents and all the not quite friends he collected over the years. It’s more difficult with Garak. “He’s never going to love me like he loves Cardassia or his lies.”

 “Lies?” Jadzia murmurs as she lets go of his shoulder with one last quick tap. Julian swallows tightly, because Jadzia doesn’t know the importance of lies between him and Garak, the sway they hold over both of them or the way they tie them together.

 “Lies, stories whatever you want to call them.” Julian scoffs as he flicks his right wrist dismissively, though he’s not sure if it’s the stories or himself he’s sending away. He’s not sure it matters either. Julian grins ruefully, pulling his arms closer to himself as more of the lonely truth bleeds into his voice and through his veins. “At heart, Garak’s a romantic. I’m not. Garak doesn’t want me, he wants someone who fits with the right ending.”

 Jadzia bites her lip as she leans forward again, her eyebrows pressed together. Julian runs a a hand down his face and closes his eyes for several seconds. There’s a reason he doesn’t talk about his feelings. “Julian, what are you talking about?”

 “Trust me, I know him better than I ought to.” Julian tells her even though that’s not an answer. It’s as much as one he can give. Julian wishes he knew Garak just a little less well, because then he wouldn’t question any of Garak’s romantic gestures or see where they lined up with Cardassian epics. He’d just accept that Garak liked _him_ for some inexplicable reason and let him sweep him off his feet until one of them screwed things up again. But that’s a story for a different Julian.

 “Have you talked to him about this?” Jadzia asks as she leans back in her chair, shoulders slumping slightly. Her gaze has only grown more concerned since she came in the room. Julian wonders how much of that is how his emotions always show on his face and how much of that is her remembering how she felt when Lenara Kahn got on that runabout.

 “As much as he’s explained to me why he dumped me three weeks into our relationship and then tried to move in the moment I was starting to move on.” Julian mutters as he glances back down at his padd. Julian doesn’t see why he should be honest when Garak refuses to even lie to him anymore, coming and going with no sign and no warning. Julian imagines its a bit like what it’s like to be in love with a specter.

 “Maybe you should.” Jadzia throws out with a small, almost hesitant smile. Julian widens his eyes, because clearly Jadzia’s forgotten all their other conversations about Garak if she thinks being direct is _ever_ the way to go with Garak.

 Julian scoffs as he turns back to his padd and starts making calculations for what would happen if they lost Vulcan as an ally. He listens to the tapping of Jadzia’s fingers along the edge of his desk. Julian groans as he closes his padd with an echoing snap, furrowing his brow as he meets her gaze. His voice comes out clipped and harsh, though a hint of desperation he doesn’t like colors each word as well. “He’s the one who keeps secrets, not me.”

 “Maybe. But you deserve to know how he feels and you deserve to know why he’s been acting the way he has. You’re never going to know unless you get a straight answer.” Jadzia pats his hand with her own, smile warm as though she’s her own personal sun the rest of them merely orbit. Julian wonders why he couldn’t have stayed in unrequited love with her instead. That had hurt, but not nearly as badly as being in it with Garak does.

“Because Garak is known for those.” Julian leans back in his chair with a low sigh, rolling his shoulders a few times as a kind of resigned acceptance washes over him. He knows he’s going to follow Jadzia’s advice, would’ve gone in demanding an answer even if she’d never said a word. He’s never been good at letting things go when he can push instead. But at least now Julian won’t wait until the exact wrong moment, storming into Garak’s store and yelling at him in the middle of the afternoon. Now he’ll do it at night in Garak’s quarters where he can be as ridiculous as he wants.

 Jadzia gives him a knowing gaze as she suddenly slides out of her chair, tilting her head toward the door. Julian lets out a low exhale of defeat and wonders idly if Jadzia knew he just needed a push when she walked in or if this all just kismet. Julian decides it doesn’t matter. He has books he needs to gather.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm leaving out where they suddenly brought back Julian's crush on Jadzia in the back half of season six to set up Julian/Ezri because A: I am not setting that up and B: even if I were, that is *not* how I would set it up lmao.
> 
> Comments/questions :)?


End file.
